Clarity or Lack Thereof

My head is spinning.  I am the blessed mother of a two and a half year old sweet girl.  She exhibits so many of the symptoms of autism and I absolutely want what is best for her…therefore, I have read and read and Read and READ and READ some more and everyone has so many opinions.  The Joy of Autism just grounded me.  I was so smothered by this observation and that and all of this over here that somehow I forgot the richness of who she is.  The peace and contentment carried in her being, the joy at seeing me in the morning or anytime for that matter.  The hugs and kisses, the laughter and giggles, the silly things she does that are “odd” but so very unique and special and part of who she is.  She is human and craves the same things all of the rest of us do…to be loved and accepted.  Yes she is only two, but instead of trying to “fix” her and do everything to make her “fit” in the world, it is my responsibility as mother to love and teach and I have forgotten in the mess of diagnosis and this therapy and that.

Whatever the “diagnosis” she is still human, she is still my sweet sweet baby girl and she needs me to be her momma.  A privilege really.  I believe she teaches me way more than I could ever teach her, all of my kids do.  I love being a mom.

It is also my responsibility to raise my children to develop themselves and pursue their dreams, to respect and love others, and to be as independent as possible.  Independence-whether it be putting their pants on alone, working a job, or whatever else it may be.  The independence gives self-satisfaction, happiness, ability, etc.  What can I do when the typical societal systems and my alternative methods of thinking leave me stranded when it comes to helping my sweet girl exist comfortably in a society of so called “normal”.  Society and people have expectations.  I don’t even really care about the expectations, but I want my sweet girl to have a chance, to have an opportunity to make her mark in the world, to communicate, to love and be loved, to experience.  I am at a loss as to how to best help her when I can barely understand what she is asking for.

Oh how I love that little girl.  I love her big blue eyes and her giggles, and I so desperately want to know that when I say I love you she understands me.  It is not really about me, maybe I don’t really quite understand my job of mothering or maybe my expectations of everyone (myself included) are distorted, or maybe I have my definitions of learning, communication, opportunity, joy, etc all skewed or I have allowed them to become mutilated and desensitized by a merciless society of selfish ambition.

Maybe all of the above or none.  Screw the cookie cutters and little boxes made of ticky tacky.  Thank you Estee for reminding me that we all feel and we all are…I SO needed that today.